Message Board

We want this to be a place where you feel safe to share your story, to express your thoughts and feelings, to have informal questions answered, and to "chat" with others by posting messages. This board is NOT intended to replace medical advice. For information on making a submission, please check the bottom of this webpage.

Topic: Angry with Doctor:

I am very angry with my doctor. I lost my baby at 17 weeks. I kept calling her and telling them that I was having pain. I finally went to the emergency room, and they found out that my cervix was open already. Why didn't my doctor do anything? I have a friend who had something like this happen to her. She was 20 weeks. She was having pain, and her doctor told her to go to the hospital right away. She was there for four days but her baby died, too. But, at least her doctor tried to help. It has been three weeks since my baby was born. I am supposed to see my doctor this week, but I am so mad. I think I need to find a new doctor. --Anonymous in Doraville, GA

Responses:

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. Many parents tell me that having a doctor who listens to you and is compassionate can be as important as good medical/physical care. Some parents have told me that it was helpful to they write a letter or speak with their doctors in person to express their anger, disappointment, and confusion regarding how they were treated. Even if you choose to change to another doctor, perhaps this doctor would benefit from knowing why you have left her practice. Maybe this would help other patients. Many women choose to switch doctors after having a loss. Some find it too difficult to return to the same office or the same doctor because it is too painful (even if they care was good). Some switch because they didn't feel like they got what they needed. It is important to have a doctor that you feel comfortable with, who listens to you, and who understand the needs of a couple who has lost a baby. Maybe you could ask your friend (or other friends) for the name of her doctor. You can usually make an appointment for a consultation in order to meet the doctor. --Aimee (PNL Clinician)

Topic: Returning to Work

My baby boy was stillborn at 33 weeks five weeks ago, and I am going back to work next week. Luckily I work in a small office and everyone knows what happened so I won't have to repeat the details over and over. But, I am scared that I am going to cry all day. I also wanted to put his picture on my desk, but I am worried it might make other people uncomfortable. He looks perfect, like he is sleeping, but I am not sure how people will react. Does anyone have any advice? --BB in Atlanta

Responses:

Maybe you can put the picture on your desk so that it faces you (and not the people who walk up to your desk), that way you can maintain privacy. I put the picture of my baby on my desk, and some of my co-workers didn't like it. But, they don't have to look. Besides, it makes me feel better to look at it. --Anonymous in San Antonio

The nurse at the hospital made footprints when my baby was born, and I had them laminated. I show that to people. Sometimes, when they see how perfect her little feet looked, they will ask if I have pictures. She was only 21 weeks, so I wasn't sure how people would react to her pictures. She looks like a perfect baby, just very small. --SW in Atlanta

Our son was stillborn two years ago. At first, I was worried about what other people thought and was worried that seeing pictures of him would make them uncomfortable. After a few months, I realized that I have to care about my feelings, too. It isn't that I want to be insensitive to the feelings of others, but I also really don't care any more if they are uncomfortable. They have healthy children. All I have are pictures and an urn. They can get over a few minutes of discomfort. I look at their pictures and am expected to "ooh" and "aah" over their kids. I just want someone to acknowledge that he was real and is not forgotten. --RR in Dunwoody

Is this normal?

I had a miscarriage two months ago. Everyone says I should just get pregnant again right away and move on. I am still very sad. I cry when I see pregnant women. Is it normal to want to wait to get pregnant again? I am not sure I could handle it if I had another miscarriage right now. Thank you. --PP in Canton, GA

Responses:

It's been four months since my miscarriage, and I still cry a lot. It seems like my husband is already over losing our baby because he shows very little emotion about it and doesn't want to talk about it. Sometimes I think that he thinks I am crazy because I still cry when I see pregnant women. Also, he doesn't like it that I won't go with him to visit our nephew who was born last month. I just don't feel like going over there where I know I am only going to cry. People keep telling me that men grieve differently, but I sometimes think I am the only one who realizes that we lost a baby. I want a baby, but I am also too scared to try again right now. I am not sure how long we will wait. My doctor told me I could start trying again almost right away, but I have heard that some doctors tell you to wait for months. I guess it depends on your body and your situation. SK in Cumming, GA

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Questions, comments, your story, or poetry may be submitted. Nothing that requires permission to reprint will be posted. Poetry must be original.
Parents, family members, friends, and anyone else who wants to post is welcome to make submissions.
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Atlanta Perinatal Loss