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| How You Can Help When a Baby Dies 
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| As a family member, friend, or healthcare provider, you may be wondering what to say or do when a baby has died during a pregnancy or shortly after birth. It can be difficult to express your grief and concern without feeling like you are saying the wrong thing or feeling like you are not doing enough. We often feel helpless when we don't know what will help, and we often want to do or say something that will make someone else feel better or help speed up their grief process. It is important to remember that we cannot take away someone else's pain. We can only be present and available. It is enough! They Say There is a ReasonThey say there is a reason, They say that time will heal, But neither time nor reason, Will change the way I feel. For noone knows the heartache, That lies behind our smiles, Noone knows how many times, We have broken down and cried. We want to tell you something, So there won't be any doubt, You're so wonderful to think of, But so hard to be without. (author unknown) Just Those Few WeeksFor just those few weeks...
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks...
I came to know you and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks...
when I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks...
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died,
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks..
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.
(S. Erling) Here are some suggestions that were provided by grieving parents: Do not judge our grief reactions. Each person is an individual and will have his/her own coping skills and life experience that they bring to the loss. Each of us will deal with this grief in our own ways. Grief does not have a time frame, nor does it ever really end. It is important not to have expectations that we will ever be "finished" or "get over" the death of our children.
The "stages and phases" of grief that you may be familiar with (denial, anger, bargaining, etc) may not be clear or even seem to apply when a child has died. Grief doesn't go away, but it does change with time. The raw pain and heartache will ease, but the love for this baby will not ever end.
Grieving and mourning is about REMEMBERING and finding a place for our baby in our hearts and their lives. It is NOT about forgetting. We are not contagious. Don't be afraid to talk to us. We might cry when we talk about our babies. That's because we are sad and miss our babies. Not because you asked. Ask to see the baby's pictures, footprints, handprints, or other mementos. It may make you uncomfortable, but it's important that we get to share these special, treasured items and that we get to "brag" about our babies. Suggestions for what to say: I don't know what to say. I’m sorry this has happened.
I'm sad for you. This is awful. How are you? (And don't take "Fine" as an answer. And then really listen to the answer.) I am here. I want to listen.
Tell me how I can help. (Then offer specific suggestions such as doing laundry, preparing meals, caring for other children or pets, running errands, Tell me about . . . the delivery, the time with your baby, the funeral, going to the mall, Christmas, your birthday, the baby's birthday (the year after he/she dies and then the next year and the next year and the next year). Remember our babies. We haven't forgotten, and we don't want you to forget, either. Ask me how I am doing and understand that sometimes I won't feel like talking about it.
What NOT to Say Some of these sentiments may be comforting to YOU or you think you would find them comforting if someone said them to you. But may parents report that these types of sentiments often do not provide comfort at this time. You’re young, you can have other babies. Age is irrelevant. We wanted THIS baby. Even if we do go on to have other children, this baby will always be loved and missed. Babies are not replaceable. We must mourn for this baby before we can consider having another.
You need closure. You need to move on. You need to put this out of your mind. Don't dwell on this. Try not to think about it. Think of closure as an ending point, and then remember that grief after losing a baby doesn't really ever end. Sometimes people think that the purpose of mourning is to find closure, however, in the case of perinatal loss, there is no real end. You can have closure after completing a task such as making funeral arrangements or obtaining information about what may have caused the loss, but you don't really get closure of the love you have or the hopes and dreams for thisaby.
Some people say that closure comes when you accept that you have experienced a loss and that it signifies the beginning of grief, not the end. "Closure" implies that there is an ending point. Grief softens and eases but doesn't really end. It evolves as life changes and moves forward. Parents mourn the loss of their baby, then they continue to revisit this loss as their lives unfold and they think about what would have been and what should have been. Often when parents are seeking "closure," they are disappointed, frustrated, or confused when they find that the grief doesn't end and the pain softens but doesn't completely go away. We all wish the pain could end, but it is usually more helpful to allow parents to talk about how they feel, to talk about their baby, and to grief freely and without judgment rather than to impose time limits or a plan to seek closure.
God must have needed another angel up in heaven. You have an angel in heaven. Your baby is in heaven and feels no pain. Your baby is in a better place. Many parents would rather have their babies with them, so even Heaven, a perfect place with no pain and suffereing, may not seem comforting at this time. This may be comforting for some parents, but many are struggling with their feelings towards God right now.
This happened for the best. This happened for a reason. There is a lesson to be learned. You will be a better person because of this. There was probably something wrong with the baby. It's nature's way of taking care of sick babies. It's very hard to believe that there is a reason good enough for this to happen. Parents may go on to make meaning of the loss, but most would prefer to have their babies with them rather than "learn a lesson." Well-intended explanations do not ease the pain of the loss. It is hard to apply "reason" to such a tragedy. Knowing that something was wrong does NOT mean that parents love or miss their baby any less.
Better for this to happen now, before you knew the baby. It's better that this happened early in pregnancy or before you brought the baby home. It could be worse. You could have been full-term. It could be worse. It could have happened at home a few weeks later. It could be worse. You could have died, too. It could be worse. At least you know you can get pregnant. Many parents have known and loved their baby from the moment of conception (or even as they imagined having a baby throughout their lives). Hearing the heartbeat, seeing ultrasounds, or feeling the baby moving around creates memories early on in pregnancy. They may have been planning for this baby for years or may have only known about him/her for a short time, but they still love this child. When you lose a child, you lose your future, your hopes and dreams, your plans. Parental love is NOT dependent on the length of the pregnancy! It's about the attachment and bonding the parents have with this baby.
Don't be sad. Don't cry. Keep busy. Don't think about it. Calling the baby a "fetus" or "it" rather than by the baby's name. These comments minimize the loss and making light of this life-altering event. Please remember that a baby has died, hopes and dreams have been shattered, and this type of pain cannot be ignored or easily forgotten. Every baby should be treated with dignity and respect. Each baby is his/her own person. They are not replaceable if they die.
Why didn't you call your doctor sooner? Maybe your doctor should have found the problem sooner. My friend's doctor didn't . . . My doctor did . . . Couldn't anything be done to prevent this? Couldn't anything be done to fix this? Parents usually feel guilty or that they are responsible for the loss even though there was nothing they could have or should have done differently. These comments add to their guilt and can also cause unnecessary mistrust or suspicion of their doctor. If parents are angry with their doctor or wish to choose another doctor, that is certainly an option. But, not all parents do. And, if parents wish to seek a second opinion or search for another doctor, these sentiments still do not provide support or encouragement. It is common for parents to feel angry or disappointed with their doctor or the care they received. Sometimes those feelings are temporary. Sometimes they come early on the grief journey, and sometimes they come later. It is still up to the parents to decide if any action is necessary and when/if it should happen.
Do | Do NOT | Listen more than you talk Allow for silence Refer to the baby by name Be genuine and caring Allow parents to express their feelings and tell their story without passing judgment Encourage them to be patient with themselves Include both the mother and the father and include other family members Ask what you can pick up at the grocery store Offer to babysit their other children State a specific time/date you will check on them and then do so Light a candle in memory of the baby Call on the baby's birthday or the anniversary of the loss Respect the parents' right to express how they feel regardless of how strange or unusual it sounds to you. Acknowledge parents as PARENTS because that is what they are even though their baby is not with them. Say that you don't know what to say Ask them about their baby or how they are feeling (if they don't want to talk about it at that time, they will tell you) Offer to drive them to the hospital, to doctor's appointments, to the funeral home, etc. Let parents make their own decisions even if you do not understand or agree with them Offer to help with arrangements or meals Attend the funeral or memorial service Include children as much as they want to be included and answer their questions directly and honestly | Dominate the conversation Use cliches Pass judgment Avoid them because this makes you uncomfortable Give advice Share your story unless asked to by the parents Talk only with the mothers (include fathers and other family members) Refrain from asking about the baby or how they are doing because you are afraid it will make them cry or upset them Wait for them to call you when they need something Discard baby items or move items in the nursery or home of the parents unless they ask you to do so Hide the loss from children |
Helpful websites: http://www.facesofloss.com/2010/05/10-ways-to-support-person-in-your-life.html http://helpguide.org/mental/helping_grieving.htm http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html http://www.nowisleep.com/archive/index.php/t-19.html http://www.babysteps.com/rrddmn.html http://www.babylosscomfort.com/what-do-i-say/ http://angiealexander.tripod.com/whatnotsay.html http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyloss/mcsupportingothers.html http://miscarriage.about.com/od/forfriendsandfamily/qt/whattosay.htm http://pokedandprodded.health.com/2008/10/06/what-not-to-say-to-a-woman-who-has-miscarried-and-how-you-can-help/ http://www.stillnomore.org/faq.htm http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/stillbirth.htm
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