How You Can Help When a Baby Dies
As a family member, friend, or healthcare provider, you may be wondering what to say or do when a baby has died during a pregnancy or shortly after birth.
It can be difficult to express your grief and concern without feeling like you are saying the wrong thing or feeling like you are not doing enough. We often feel helpless when we don't know what will help, and we often want to do or say something that will make someone else feel better or help speed up their grief process. It is important to remember that we cannot take away someone else's pain. We can only be present and available. It is enough!
Do not judge another's grief reactions. Each person is an individual and will have his/her own coping skills and life experience that they bring to the loss. Each will deal with it in his/her own way.
Grief does not have a time frame, nor does it ever really end. It is important not to have expectations that parents will be "finished" or "get over" this type of loss. The "stages and phases" of bereavement may not be clear or even seem to apply. Parents find that grief doesn't go away, but it does change with time. The raw pain and heartache will ease, but the love for this baby will not ever end. Grieving and mourning is about REMEMBERING and finding a place for their baby in their hearts and their lives and is NOT about forgetting.
While each person handles grief differently, there are some general suggestions for things to say and to do that parents have reported were helpful:
What you can say:
"I’m sorry."
"I’m sad for you."
"How are you doing with all this?"
"This must be hard for you."
"I am here. I want to listen."
"What can I do for you?"
"Tell me about……" your hopes and dreams, your labor, your delivery, your baby (how much did she weigh, does he look like you), how your spouse is doing, the memorial service...
What NOT to say (some of these may be comforting to YOU or sound comforting to YOU, but may not be comforting for parents to hear at this time):
Age is irrelevant. Parents wanted THIS baby. Even if they go on to have other children, this baby will always be loved and missed. Babies are not replaceable. They must mourn for this baby before they are prepared to have another
Think of closure as an ending point, and then remember that grief after losing a baby doesn't really ever end. Sometimes people will think that the purpose of mourning is to find closure, however, in the case of perinatal loss, there is no real end. You can have closure after completing a task such as making funeral arrangements or obtaining information about what may have caused the loss. Some people say that closure comes when you accept that you have experienced a loss and signifies the beginning of grief, not the end. There is no "closure" to this type of grief. Grief changes. It evolves as life changes and moves forward. "Closure" implies that there is an ending point. Parents mourn the loss of their baby, then they continue to revisit this loss as their lives unfold and they think about what would have been and what should have been. Often when parents are seeking "closure," they are disappointed, frustrated, or confused when they find that this type of grief doesn't end. We all wish the pain could end, but it is usually more helpful to allow parents to talk about how they feel, to talk about their baby, and to grief freely and without judgement rather than to impose time limits or a plan to seek closure.
- "God must have needed another angel up in heaven."
Many parents would rather have their babies with them. This may be comforting for some parents, but many are struggling with their feelings towards God right now.
It is very hard to believe that there is a reason good enough for this to happen. Parents may go on to make meaning of the loss, but most would prefer to have their babies with them than to "learn a lesson." Also, well-intended reasons do not ease the pain of the loss.
Many parents have known their baby from the moment of conception, from hearing the heartbeat, from ultrasounds or from feeling the baby moving around. They may have been planning for this baby for years or may have only known about him/her for a short time, but they still love this child. When you lose a child, you lose your future, your hopes and dreams, your plans. Parental attachment is NOT dependent on the length of the pregnancy!
Knowing that something was wrong does NOT mean that parents love or miss their baby any less.
"At least you know you can get pregnant."
"Don't be sad. Don't cry."
"Keep busy. Don't think about it."
Calling the baby a "fetus" or "it" rather than by the baby's name.
This sounds like you are minimizing the loss and making light of this life-altering event. Please remember that a baby has died, hopes and dreams have been shattered, and this type of pain cannot be ignored.
- "Did you take prenatal vitamins?" "Why didn't you call your doctor sooner?"
Parents usually feel guilty or that they are responsible for the loss even though there was nothing they could have or should have done differently.
- "Maybe your doctor should have found the problem sooner." "You should find a better doctor."
This can create a sense of mistrust or suspicion towards a healthcare provider. Instead, when the parents are ready, suggest that they get a second opinion if that is what they want. It is common for parents to feel angry or disappointed with their doctor or the care they received. Some may choose to change doctors. But, this should be their choice and when they are ready.
Do | Do NOT |
Listen more than you talk Allow for silence Refer to the baby by name Be genuine and caring Allow parents to express their feelings and tell their story without passing judgment Encourage them to be patient with themselves and not expect too much Include both the mother and the father and include other family members Ask what you can pick up at the grocery store, offer to babysit their other children State a specific time/date you will check on them and then do so Light a candle in memory of the baby, call on the baby's birthday or the anniversary of the loss Respect the parents' right to express how they feel regardless of how strange or unusual it sounds to you. Acknowledge parents as PARENTS because that is what they are even though their baby is not with them. Say that you don't know what to say Ask them about their baby or how they are feeling (if they don't want to talk about it at that time, they will tell you). Offer to drive them to the hospital, to doctor's appointments, to the funeral home, etc. Let parents make their own decisions even if you do not understand or agree with them Offer to help with arrangements or meals Attend the funeral or memorial service Include children as much as they want to be included and answer their questions directly and honestly | Dominate the conversation Use clichs Pass judgment Avoid them because you are uncomfortable Give advice Share your story unless asked to by the parents Talk only with the mothers (include fathers and other family members) Refrain from asking about the baby or how they are doing because you are afraid it will make them cry or upset them Wait for them to call you when they need something Discard baby items or move items in the nursery or home of the parents unless they ask you to do so Hide the loss from children |